I will always remember 2017 as “The Year That Threw Me For a Loop!” in the best and worst of ways. My baby Journey has been an emotional roller coaster but as everyone says absolutely worth it. Through the scare of infertility and epilepsy we made it!
While we were in Dallas, our friends started having babies but with our work and my husband’s business school, we were busy enough. Even so, we were passive listeners in endless baby talks of friends. We then moved to NY from Dallas in 2015 for my husband’s job and my business school. Now the time to live a picture perfect thought, have a baby while in School, move out of NY after graduation and start a family life.
Over the next seven months, I learned way more about the science behind making another life than I ever wanted to know. After months of trying to have a baby, we decided to get a medical opinion and were in for some devastating news! I was told I we should start fertility treatments ASAP.
We moved to California for a new job and the wait to get into a fertility clinic seemed forever! 8 months after the initial diagnoses, we went on to try IUI’s. 3 attempts and all of them were unsuccessful. The tears, the frustrations, the toll it was taking on our relationship, the fear, and we had JUST started this journey. We decided to take a break and start IVF in 2017. Personally, all the tests are always an unpleasant experience, no matter how wonderful the medical team is. I joined an IVF support group online. You see, fertility struggles are VERY common, and yet NO ONE talks about it. Also, I did not want to be a conversation topic.
Our first IVF was scheduled for April 2017. The company that sends medications for IVF misplaced my order twice. After 2 weeks of back and forth, I received my order on March 20th. We looked at it and it was a silent monster we were scared to address. On March 21st, I took a pregnancy test, hoping for some miracle and in a beautiful serendipitous timing of events, it came back POSITIVE. I was shaking, crying, happy, scared, basically a cocktail of emotions. What were the chances of being pregnant few days before starting IVF? It took sometime to register and I decided not to tell my husband just yet. I rather one person be extremely disappointed than two people go through all those negative emotions.
My doctor sent a test order to confirm hCG levels (levels that help determine if you are pregnant). I did my hCG blood test next day and the two day wait to get a call from the doctor’s office, are the longest two days of my life. The doctor confirmed I was pregnant. This was 3 days after I came to know and my husband had no idea about it.
This was our miracle baby and the way my husband came to know about it, had to be special. I arranged a photo shoot to surprise my husband. I told my husband, a co-worker of mine was getting into photography as a side gig and wanted some couple shoots. I got the most reluctant reaction but he was too busy with work to analyze any of this and agreed! That was the toughest part, to get him to agree and it just became so easy, bless his job! Below are some pictures of how I announced it to my husband. It was a beautiful rainy day with a rainbow in the sky. Just perfect.
As things were getting better, on April 4th, 2017, I had an epileptic seizure at 6 weeks. I was at work. I remember when the EMTs came, I kept yelling “I am pregnant”, again and again. Fortunately, even in the not so conscious state, I was able to convey I was pregnant. I don’t remember anything I must have said during my past seizure attacks. Guess this was different in that sense.
Seizures can have very devastating effects on a baby while pregnant due to the lack of oxygen even for a few seconds (that’s what I learnt since before). The seizure was because of the hormonal changes that caused my epilepsy medication levels to go to zero. From the time I was in Dallas, I have spoken to gynecologists and neurologists all the time about epilepsy and pregnancy and followed everything they said, took additional folic acid, monitored medication levels etc., and this was since some time before I got pregnant. It is amazing how, no matter how much you prepare, there is always some curve ball that can change your life for better or worse.
We then went through a saga of events related to pregnancy, epilepsy and migraines. We would have loved to be the happy pregnant couple but behind the scenes there were tears, pills, doctor’s visits, tests, fear, anxiety. I was put on additional epilepsy medications to which I had a horrible reaction, mainly extreme tiredness and anxiety, when I got my first seizure. They had changed my medication after my first seizure because of that. But during pregnancy, this was the safest drug for the growth of the baby and I was advised to take that in addition to my ongoing medication.
I was not in my best of behaviors during my whole pregnancy and for that I would like to sincerely apologize to my whole family. I was scared for my baby and guilty all the time that my baby was getting all these drugs through me and he was not even born. The drugs could cause malformations and that thought broke my heart. Am I responsible if something happens to my child? What if the levels go down again? That can cause the baby to not get enough oxygen or I may fall down on my stomach if I get a seizure again, it was something I could not even fathom. But I did try my best to stay as happy and positive as I could.
I have been very blessed through this entire journey. I was under the care of my wonderful neurologist at Stanford, who had years of research on epilepsy and pregnancy and constantly ensured that the side effects of my new drug, depression and anxiety, with pregnancy added to that mix were not affecting me. My gynecologist, who made sure I got every possible test done to ensure my baby was growing fine and not being affected by the epilepsy drugs. My manager at work was very supportive through the whole pregnancy.
My family scarified a ton and stayed with me through pregnancy in turns. My mother, who stayed with me for months together, my father, who was constant support and always positive, my brother, who is a neurologist, was always there (I must be one lucky sister!), my other brother who constantly kept entertaining me and lifting my spirits every time, sister-in-laws, who made wonderful food, took care of me through pregnancy and my baby post, when they really did not have to and finally my husband, who probably was going through a whole lot of emotions but never showed it, it must have been difficult. Some of my friends and their parents who were near us were so helpful and I will always be grateful.
And lastly, the online tribe of women I came across for infertility, was my savior! The courage these women have when going through fertility treatments is very inspirational and unfathomable. Some of them had been trying for years to get pregnant, some were going through all that pain because of some issue with their husbands results, some because of one of the million things that can be wrong to become pregnant, some with unexplained infertility. People are facing debts of $20,000 – $30,000 for a single cycle of IVF and sometimes have to go through multiple cycles. Their faith and hope was so inspiring.
I wish I could say that this past year have been full of sunshine and rainbows and utter elation. But the truth is, there simply was no easy ‘tied up in a neat little bow’ scenarios after going through this crazy path. As I always maintain, everyone has a story. And it is unfair to judge anyone not knowing her or his part of the story. So, to all the friends I did not share my pregnancy news with or shared very late or did not call “enough” after sharing my pregnancy news early on, my sincerest apologies. I had more going on than I could handle.
And finally here is my 7-month-old son, Arjun!!
